The Family Map (Part 1)

Above is a map of family functionality[i]

The map has two axes

The vertical axis measures authority

The horizontal axis measures closeness

The inner circle defines the boundaries of healthy functioning

The outer circle defines the unhealthy boundaries of severe malfunction

At each corner of the map is a brief description of families with particular combinations of unhealthy features

The vertical authority axis is a means of measuring the authority component of a family’s structure

First let’s look at Chaos

·        Chaos is at the top of this map

o   this positioning is arbitrary

o   it could have just as well been at the bottom

o   Chaos just needs to be at the map’s extreme edge where dysfunction belongs

·        Chaos is a total lack of structure and a total lack of authority

·         Chaos happens when family members and in particular the head(s) of the household lose authority, when they experience complete loss of control

o   For instance a drunken father might lose his authority while he is intoxicated

·        Chaos also results from a complete lack of structure

o   A household where bills may or may not be paid, where chores go undone, without mealtimes, where schedules are absent or ignored

Next let’s look at Rigid

·        Rigid is the opposite of Chaos so it’s at the bottom of the map

·        Although it’s opposite of Chaos it’s no better

o   It is just as bad but in the opposite way

·        Rigid is a total lack of any flexibility and any negotiability with authority

·        Rigid happens when family members particularly the head(s) of the household are unyielding, unforgiving, unapproachable and inhumane

o   Many instances of child abuse are the result of inhumane disciplinary practices

·        Rigid happens when rules proliferate beyond reason, when rules are often unwritten and contradictory

o   In other words when no matter what you do you are probably violating some sort of rule and likely to “catch hell” for breaking a rule

·        Rigid households are emotionally paralyzing they are paralyzed with structure

o   You may feel like you need permission just to breathe in these families

Now we shift from vertical to horizontal

The horizontal intimacy axis is a means of measuring the interpersonal relationships in a family’s structure

First let’s look at Enmeshed

·        The placement of Enmeshed to the right and Disengaged to the left is arbitrary

·        Enmeshed means a lack of appropriate interpersonal boundaries

o   An extreme example of enmeshment would be incest

o   Enmeshment can be present without going to this extreme

·        Every family member has an appropriate role to play in the family

o   There are parental roles for the parents to play

o   There are various roles for children which may vary according to age and ability (babies play baby roles, teenagers play teenage roles)

·        When roles become unclear and confused this is enmeshment

o   For instance a mother and a daughter sharing a double date violates important boundaries between parent and child

·        So called role reversal where an adult child cares for his or her parent is not generally a violation of boundaries

o   Caring for a person can be a way of honoring them

o   If there is a history of boundary violations such care may be problematic

·        Enmeshed families tend to have many secrets

·        Enmeshed families may feel like a trap or prison

·        Enmeshed families may lack any personal privacy

Now let’s look at Disengaged

·        Disengaged is the opposite of Enmeshed but it is no better

·        Disengaged means lack of connection

o   An extreme example would be abandonment of a newborn baby

o   Disengagement can occur without being this extreme

·        When family members particularly parents abandon their appropriate roles Disengagement is the result

o   For instance if a parent repeatedly fails to attend his (or her) child’s recital or game or other significant event the child may feel unloved by or disconnected from the parent (they feel abandoned)

·        Disengaged families lack traditions and rituals

·        In disengaged families the family members may completely ignore each other

·        Disengaged families do not show genuine care or concern for family members

·        As adults members may lose track of each other

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[i] This map is used with the permission of Patrick Carnes PhD. 

Family Survival Roles

The characters depicted above represent some of the roles often played by members of a family which is being negatively impacted by addiction

These roles are somewhat fluid
      ·        they can change over time

They are not based in gender

·        males or females can play any role

They may be impacted by culture

·        the behaviors may be more overt in some cultures more covert in others

These roles are not performed consciously

·        family members do not realize they are playing a role they think they are being natural

A person can play multiple roles

·        for instance the “scapegoat” might sometimes play the role of “mascot” the “hero” today could become the “scapegoat” tomorrow

Birth order may impact which role a child plays

·        first born children often play the “hero” role

·        second born children are more likely to be cast as a “scapegoat”

·        the youngest frequently perform the role of “mascot”

·        middle children are more likely to fill in as a “lost child” than older or younger siblings

Family members cast in these roles believe they have to play them (actually they believe they are the role which they are playing)

·        the “hero” believes he (or she) must surpass others at everything he does

·        the “scapegoat” believes she (or he ) will never be treated fairly nor appreciated

·        the “lost child” believes no one will ever notice her (or him)

·        the “mascot” believes he (or she) must either entertain others or seek their sympathy in order to get by

The biggest problem with these roles is that people play them throughout their lives

·        “Hero” children may grow up to marry addicts as adults they may continually try to rescue others

·        “Scapegoat’ children may grow up to become criminals or addicts themselves

·        “Lost child” children may grow up to lead unfulfilled mediocre lives and may suffer depression or retreat into drugs or alcohol

·        “Mascot” children may never truly grow up instead becoming infantile adults demanding the attention and care of others

Healthy individuals have the same traits but they are in balance

·        they can act heroically when heroic action is called for

·        they can risk retribution (being scapegoated) when it is right to confront malignant authority

·        they have humility and need not always be the star of the show

·        they do not hide their feelings but are not overly sensitive they can be playful and spontaneous

Generativity - The Summit Of The Recovery Pyramid

We have reached the peak of the Recovery Pyramid! This level of the Hierarchy of Recovery is called Generativity. This term was coined by the Psychologist Erik Erikson, to identify the final goal  in life. Maslow said the ultimate goal is Self Actualization, Erikson said it is Generativity. Erikson identified choices at every stage of life, the final choice being between Stagnation and Generativity. In old age we can either stagnate or give back. Giving back a lifetime of knowledge and wisdom to younger generations is Generativity. I chose this term for the peak of the Recovery Pyramid because giving back is the ultimate expression of recovery. Giving back is how we actualize our recovery.

Maslow posited the percentage of people who achieve Self Actualization as being below 1% of the overall population. The percentage of recovering people who reach Generativity is much higher than that. For people working a 12 step program this is the stage of recovery in which they work their 12th step. Carrying the message of recovery and living a principled life turns out to be the secret to happiness.

As the addict or alcoholic descends the Lowarchy of Highs he becomes more and more dependent on fewer and fewer people. Eventually there are only one or two people left to depend on (Mom and Dad?) and the addict has a parasitic relationship with them. This devolution to parasitism is not only ended it is reversed in recovery. At the top of the Recovery Pyramid the former parasite is transformed into a nurturer. She now has something to give and she comes to realize that giving is the most rewarding thing she can do.

Just as in Maslows Pyramid, in the Recovery Pyramid every level must be in place in order to reach the apex. Achieving Generativity depends on maintaining Abstinence, Support, Belonging and Accomplishment.

How long does it take to reach Generativity? In some ways it begins almost immediately. This is because people in an organized recovery program, such as NA or AA, are all their to help each other. Newcomers are just as necessary as old timers. The process begins right away but it deepens and becomes more intuitive as recovery progresses.

I hope everyone reading this gets to experience Generativity. When you do, you will know how important we are to each other.






Russell P. Mai, LCDC, AAC

Accomplishment - Recovery Is getting Really Good!

Accomplishment, is the level on the Recovery Pyramid corresponding to the Esteem level on Maslows Pyramid and the Performance Highs level on the Lowarchy of Highs. Using drugs for a Performance High wound up diminishing our esteem both in the eyes of others and ultimately our self esteem. The achievements we make in recovery constitute the Accomplishment level of the Hierarchy of Recovery.

Accomplishment is how recovering people restore their esteem, both self esteem and the respect of others. When a recovering person knows she is able to achieve more because she is in recovery, it makes staying in recovery more important, more satisfying, more rewarding. Without Accomplishment recovery would hold less value.

Recovery is progressive and sustained recovery typically involves more achievement than intermittent recovery. Even so it is important to recognize that Accomplishment begins immediately for those entering a recovery program such as AA or NA. At a persons first meeting they are offered a "desire chip" in AA or a "beginners" key chain in NA. Picking up one these tokens of commitment is a significant Accomplishment.

With each milestone of recovery (30, 60, 90 days then six months, nine months and one year) the newcomer experiences a significant achievement. The tokens she collects have no intrinsic value but they are priceless to her. The first time he identifies himself as an alcoholic at an AA meeting is an achievement. Chairing a meeting is a big deal. When people talk at meetings others keep quiet and listen, respect seldom given in other circumstances.

Accomplishment is not limited to the confines of recovery programs. When a recovering addict regains the trust of her family this is an Accomplishment! When a former drunk who used to come to work late and hungover, now shows up on time and ready for work this is an Accomplishment! A father keeping his promises to his children when he had always let them down before, this is an Accomplishment! Former liars who are now honest have achieved something very important!

The Accomplishment level of the Recovery Pyramid is not about making a million bucks! (Although it's fine if you do.) It's not about getting a PhD. (Although it's fine if you do.) What it is about is those little one day at time achievements. It is about those do the next right thing achievements. It is these every day achievements which lead to respecting the person you see in the mirror in the morning. The addict who used to see a no good SOB in the mirror and now sees a decent human being has achieved something important. The alcoholic who could not stand herself and now enjoys her own company has achieved a miracle!

Accomplishment is a very rewarding stage in the Hierarchy of Recovery, but it is not as good as it gets! We'll look at the peak of the Recovery Pyramid next time.








Russell P. Mai, LCDC, AAC

Belonging - Where Thriving In Recovery Begins

Previously I described the first two levels of the Recovery Pyramid, Abstinence and Support, these two levels constitute survival level recovery. Survival level recovery is bleak at best. It is doubtful that any but the most stoic individuals would find it tolerable for long.

The next stage in the Hierarchy of Recovery is Belonging (in the language of AA "Fellowship"). Failure to achieve a sense or feeling of Belonging in recovery is a prime reason people relapse, especially within the first year or two of recovery. Belonging is essential to most people. Without a sense of belonging the addict feels isolated. He is like a fish out of water. She no longer fits in with her old drinking buddies but also feels like an alien in her AA group.

Belonging requires trust. We do not get a warm fuzzy feeling from hanging out with people we mistrust. Superficial friendships feel contrived and hollow. Nobody really enjoys making small talk. With real friends silence is often quite comfortable. The only way this happens is through trust and trust requires vulnerability. Trusting a person means feeling safe being vulnerable to that person. This means taking a risk. To trust you I must risk becoming vulnerable with you. People unwilling to risk vulnerability to the appropriate people will never thrive in their recovery.

The addict who does not have a sense of Belonging in his NA group will probably start hanging out with his old running buddies. The alcoholic who feels alienated from AA members will go back to her favorite bar. The addict hanging out with her old friends will feel isolated from them. The alcoholic sipping Diet Coke at the bar will be bored and lonely. The only cure for this sense of isolation will be getting drunk, or getting high (maybe both), going for the Acceptance High. Soon they are back at the bottom of the Lowarchy of Highs.

The only real solution is to get vulnerable with the appropriate people. Most people in early recovery would like this to mean a husband, wife, boyfriend or girlfriend. This understandable desire is invariably misguided! Our enablers cannot offer real Support, neither are they prepared to shoulder the toxic burden resulting from an addict or alcoholic dumping their shame and guilt into their codependent lap for safekeeping. The appropriate people are others in recovery. They must not however be sex partners, this sort of putrid intimacy results in mutual hostage holding.

The addict/alcoholic freed of his secrets breathes free for the first time. The facade of false pride once toppled lets out the septic secrets whose stench has poisoned her every breath. We move from survival level recovery to thriving in recovery.

It is no surprise that many recovering people report finding a sense of Belonging after completing a fifth step. After sharing the "exact nature of all these wrongs" with "another human being" they experince profound trust. With profound trust comes a profound sense of Belonging. It is a big, big risk but it is totally worth it!

Walking into any AA group or any NA group anywhere in the world and knowing you belong (not some abstract knowing but realizing to your innermost self that you fit like a glove) is something everyone in recovery has available to them. All it requires is the courage to trust the friends you are yet to meet! Recovery is not for faint hearts.

Next time, Achievement (I can hardly wait).








Russell P. Mai, LCDC, AAC

Support - Stage Two On The Recovery Pyramid

Support is the second stage of recovery. The truth of course is, Support is so necessary for sustaining Abstinence that, these two stages of recovery are practically simultaneous. Support on the Recovery Pyramid corresponds to the Safety and Shelter Needs on Maslows Pyramid. In recovery these needs are called Support. Long-term Abstinence without Support is extremely unlikely, in fact it is virtually impossible to remain substance free without some support system. Support systems vary widely in intensity and frequency. Early Abstinence is a time for more Support.

Support needs can vary a great deal. Some people may need an initial Support system which includes around the clock medical observation. This is rare but, using a residential substance treatment program as an initial Support system is pretty common these days. The rule is it is far better to have too much Support as opposed to not enough. Not having enough Support after all can be fatal! Halfway houses are Support. These examples are temporary Support. No one is going spend the rest of her life under medical observation. No one is going to live out his days in a residential treatment center. The same goes for living in a halfway house, nobody does that forever! Long-term Support is essential but such intense Support systems as the preceding are not practical lifelong answers to this need.

Guys like me (Counselors or Therapists) typically recommend AA and NA as Support. We do this for a number of pretty good reasons. For one thing AA and NA are ubiquitous, if you need a meeting most likely you can find one. Major cities have thousands of meetings each week, small cities have dozens, and even small towns will support one or meetings on a regular basis. Another reason we recommend AA and NA is these are Support systems that know how to actually be supportive. It would be great if family members and our old running buddies could be a Support system. They cannot. The reason they cannot is they do not know how to be supportive, they are great at enabling but no good at all as a Support system. The final reason for using AA and NA as Support is they are probably going to be essential to meeting the needs on the upper levels of the Hierarchy of Recovery. Therefore it makes sense to use them as Support, after all you are going to wind up using them anyway.

Recall that the first two levels on Maslows Pyramid encompassed the survival needs. The first two levels on the Recovery Pyramid encompass the needs which must be met in order for recovery to survive. Most people do not want to live at the level of mere survival, they want more. Just surviving kind of sucks! It is the same with recovery. Survival level recovery kind of sucks too! Don't settle for it. Your recovery deserves to be on a loftier level. We'll look at the first of these higher level recovery needs next time.








Russell P. Mai, LCDC, AAC

Abstinence - The First Stage Of Recovery

The first stage of recovery is Abstinence. People often confuse Abstinence with recovery. Actually Abstinence is only the first stage of recovery. Abstinence is the foundation upon which recovery is built. Abstinence is not easy. People in recovery have all the same needs as everyone else, all the needs on Maslows Hierarchy of Needs. In addition to those needs people in recovery have recovery needs which are peculiar to them and not to ordinary people (here ordinary means people unaffected by addiction).

At the bottom of Maslows Pyramid are the Physical Needs (food, water, oxygen). The Physical Need at the bottom of the Recovery Pyramid is Abstinence. If a person is starving he needs food, if he is dieing of thirst he needs water. The answer to meeting his needs per Maslows Hierarchy is to fulfill them. But what if the person is an alcoholic and his thirst is for another drink of liquor? What if he's an addict and hungers for his next fix? What then? This is where the Hierarchy of Recovery starkly contrasts with Maslows Hierarchy of Needs. The Hierarchy of Recovery instead instructs the alcoholic to ignore her thirst to let it go unquenched. It tells the addict to starve herself of drugs. This is a tall order to meet!

Abstinence is so difficult that recovery programs such as Alcoholics Anonymous and Narcotics Anonymous encourage their members to take it "one day at a time." Sometimes they encourage newcomers to abstain for just an hour even five minutes at a time! Whatever it takes to lay a foundation for recovery is what must be done. Abstinence alone is not likely to be sustainable. Next time we will look at Support the next level of the Recovery Pyramid.





Russell P. Mai, LCDC, AAC