The next stage in the Hierarchy of Recovery is Belonging (in the language of AA "Fellowship"). Failure to achieve a sense or feeling of Belonging in recovery is a prime reason people relapse, especially within the first year or two of recovery. Belonging is essential to most people. Without a sense of belonging the addict feels isolated. He is like a fish out of water. She no longer fits in with her old drinking buddies but also feels like an alien in her AA group.
Belonging requires trust. We do not get a warm fuzzy feeling from hanging out with people we mistrust. Superficial friendships feel contrived and hollow. Nobody really enjoys making small talk. With real friends silence is often quite comfortable. The only way this happens is through trust and trust requires vulnerability. Trusting a person means feeling safe being vulnerable to that person. This means taking a risk. To trust you I must risk becoming vulnerable with you. People unwilling to risk vulnerability to the appropriate people will never thrive in their recovery.
The addict who does not have a sense of Belonging in his NA group will probably start hanging out with his old running buddies. The alcoholic who feels alienated from AA members will go back to her favorite bar. The addict hanging out with her old friends will feel isolated from them. The alcoholic sipping Diet Coke at the bar will be bored and lonely. The only cure for this sense of isolation will be getting drunk, or getting high (maybe both), going for the Acceptance High. Soon they are back at the bottom of the Lowarchy of Highs.
The only real solution is to get vulnerable with the appropriate people. Most people in early recovery would like this to mean a husband, wife, boyfriend or girlfriend. This understandable desire is invariably misguided! Our enablers cannot offer real Support, neither are they prepared to shoulder the toxic burden resulting from an addict or alcoholic dumping their shame and guilt into their codependent lap for safekeeping. The appropriate people are others in recovery. They must not however be sex partners, this sort of putrid intimacy results in mutual hostage holding.
The addict/alcoholic freed of his secrets breathes free for the first time. The facade of false pride once toppled lets out the septic secrets whose stench has poisoned her every breath. We move from survival level recovery to thriving in recovery.
It is no surprise that many recovering people report finding a sense of Belonging after completing a fifth step. After sharing the "exact nature of all these wrongs" with "another human being" they experince profound trust. With profound trust comes a profound sense of Belonging. It is a big, big risk but it is totally worth it!
Walking into any AA group or any NA group anywhere in the world and knowing you belong (not some abstract knowing but realizing to your innermost self that you fit like a glove) is something everyone in recovery has available to them. All it requires is the courage to trust the friends you are yet to meet! Recovery is not for faint hearts.
Next time, Achievement (I can hardly wait).
Russell P. Mai, LCDC, AAC
It is worth mentioning that one never experiences trust without being trustworthy. So if you want to feel like you Belong in your recovery program you must not violate the trust of others.
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