The Family Map Part 3 (The Solution)

We will now examine the healthy boundaries of the inner circle

Notice that there is not central bullseye type spot for healthy functioning

Healthy functioning encompasses a range on both axes

On the vertical authority axis healthy functioning ranges between freedom and structure

First we will describe freedom in terms of family functioning

·        In healthy families freedom comes with responsibility

·        The more responsible a family member is the more freedom they have

·        Generally speaking this probably parallels age

o   Infants have no responsibilities and no freedom

o   As a child grows he or she is given more responsibilities and afforded more freedoms

·        An individual family member experiencing some sort of crisis may temporarily be relieved of some responsibilities and simultaneously lose some freedom

Structure is at the other end of the healthy range on the authority axis

·        This does not mean that structure is at odds with freedom

·        It is the responsible behavior of family members which maintains the family structure

·        Responsible behavior implies freedom because only free individuals can be held responsible for their behavior

·        Structure provides guidelines, expectations and consistency all essential elements for healthy functioning

On the horizontal intimacy axis healthy functioning ranges between intimacy and independence

We will examine what intimacy means in terms of family functioning first

·        Intimacy involves being vulnerable

·        It also involves trust

·        When family members trust each other enough to be vulnerable they have established intimacy

·        There are boundaries which prevent intimacy from turning into enmeshment

o   Family intimacy does not involve sexual or romantic vulnerability towards another family member

o   Family intimacy does not involve role violations, children do not become parents and parents do not become children

·        Family members must not be engaged in any destructive form of competition with each other for intimacy to be possible

·        The family must be experienced as a “safe place” in order to have intimacy

Independence is the other healthy parameter on the intimacy axis

·        Independence requires self-confidence

·        Knowing that others (especially family) love and care for you fosters independence through reassurance

·        There are limits which prevent independence from turning into disengagement

o   Independence does not eliminate care and concern for others

o   Independence does not mean neglecting others inclusive emotional neglect

·        Independence stems from a healthy intimacy which encourages individuality

Healthy families remain within the boundaries of freedom, intimacy, structure and independence. Healthy families provide intimacy and structure to young children or to any family member in crisis. Healthy families give freedom and independence to young adult members who are establishing their lives. In healthy families the family members maintain independence but do not neglect family structure. They enjoy freedom but confide in their family.

Maintaining healthy boundaries is a deliberate choice. It involves conscious acts. The head(s) of house play a huge role in modeling these choices and actions but every family member has an individual responsibility for his or her part.