Family Map (Part 2) next the solution

Notice how these two measures (authority and intimacy) interact

Families can be extreme (going off the map) in any direction on either axes

For instance a family could be chaotic and enmeshed

·         Families like this resemble a soap opera

·         Their lives are chaotic and intertwined

·         Nobody is really in charge

·         There are no guidelines about behavior

·         Privacy is not recognized

In the opposite extreme a family might be rigid and disengaged

·         Families like this resemble a military regime

·         Their lives are about duty

·         Nobody cares how you feel in this type of family

·         The person in charge rules the household like a tyrant

·         Just do what you are supposed to and mind your own business

A family could be rigid and enmeshed

·         Families like this resemble a mafia family

·         Obedience and loyalty are all that matter in the family

·         Blind allegiance to the family is the supreme value

·         The head of the house must not be questioned

·         Personal moral values are irrelevant where the family is concerned

The opposite extreme is families who are chaotic and disengaged

·         These families seem like a random collection of strangers

·         They operate without guidelines nor concern for each other

·         They lead separate disconnected lives

·         There may be a chief money earner but that money belongs to him or her

·         Each individual fends for his or her self, expecting nothing from others

None of these extremes is better or worse than another

Families may go from one extreme to another

·         This might happen over a period of time

·         On the other hand it might happen rapidly swinging from one extreme to another over the course of a week a day or even throughout the day

A family might vary between extremes depending on which parent happens to be in charge at any given time

·         One parent may be chaotic while the other is rigid

·         “Just wait till your father gets home!”

·         The above threat comes from a parent without a sense of authority warning her children that she will tell on them to their authoritarian father

These extremes may vary between the offspring in a family

·         The oldest child might grow up in a rigid and enmeshed family

·         While the second child experiences it as chaotic and disengaged

These extremes have long-term consequences

·         Persons growing up in rigid households may view authority figures as cruel and unreasonable

o   They likely confuse punishment with discipline

o   Similarly they confuse respect with fear

o   They are likely to kowtow to superiors and mistreat subordinates

o   They view relationships as revolving around power

o   They may seek to dominate or perhaps to be dominated

·         Persons growing up in chaotic households are likely to see authority figures as obstacles to be avoided

o   They likely see rules as arbitrary and annoying

o   They confuse respect with groveling and therefore lack respect

o   They ignore or challenge their superiors and are unable to guide subordinates

o   They view relationships as sharing crises

o   They do not know how to resolve nor tolerate differences

·         Persons growing up in enmeshed households may fear intimate relationships

o   They fear that others will smother them if they let them get “too close”

o   On the other hand they may show love by smothering others

o   They may believe that becoming intimate involves surrendering any right to privacy

o   They may fear losing privacy and simultaneously demand that others surrender theirs

o   They are terrified of becoming vulnerable yet insist on it from others

·         Persons growing up in disengaged households also fear intimate relationships

o   The whole idea of becoming dependent on another seems fraught with danger to them

o   They are likely to be sure that nobody would ever really care about them

o   They may view intimacy as a fairly random sexually based interaction between relative strangers or perhaps friends

o   They are certain that if they were to become vulnerable to another they would be abandoned almost immediately

o   When others confide in them they feel uncomfortable, incompetent and maybe even put upon they feel like running when others do this “to them”

Clearly going “off the map” is a poor way for families to cope with whatever challenges they face