Russell Mai - Self Pity - YouTube.mp4

Resentment

The book Alcoholics Anonymous describes resentment as “the number one offender” when it comes to issues which can lead to relapse. Addicts and alcoholics who have experienced relapse, commonly report that the thought running through their minds immediately prior to picking up a drink or a drug was “fuck it!” (An expression of despair) This despairing attitude seems to be the result of a more or less general resentment at the world.

How does this general resentment come about and how can it be prevented?

Recognizing how generalized resentment comes about can help in learning how to prevent it. So it makes sense to start there. You can compare resentment to a forest fire. After all we often describe anger as being “burned up.” Giant conflagrations can begin with a single spark. There may be many sparks before one takes hold and turns into a wildfire.

When a person gets angry a spark is fired! Now let’s be honest and admit that anger probably inevitable. Sooner or later we’re going to get pissed off about something. What we do once we are angry determines our fate.

Justification is the way by which anger is turned into resentment. It is like blowing air onto a glowing ember until it jumps into a flame and eventually burns out of control.

Justification is defending anger. It is telling yourself or others, “I have a right to be angry!” Justification is self-righteously fueling a grudge. It is a form of emotional self-immolation IE: burning yourself up. Addicts and alcoholics may be no more prone to this than others are.

Probably almost all domestic violence, most assaults and very many murders are the product of resentment. Even on a less drastic scale resentment is probably the cause of much misery from rude behavior to road rage.

For people in recovery from addiction and alcoholism resentment is suicidal.

Stop defending your anger. Sure you have a right to be angry. Everybody does. We could all be angry all the time.  What would be the sense of that?

Let go of anger. Anger will happen but it does not have to last. “Would you rather be right or be happy?” How often have you heard that question? Let go of justifying your anger. In peace watch the flame lull and then disappear, watch the ember lose its glow. I was angry but now I am at peace.  

The Family Map Part 3 (The Solution)

We will now examine the healthy boundaries of the inner circle

Notice that there is not central bullseye type spot for healthy functioning

Healthy functioning encompasses a range on both axes

On the vertical authority axis healthy functioning ranges between freedom and structure

First we will describe freedom in terms of family functioning

·        In healthy families freedom comes with responsibility

·        The more responsible a family member is the more freedom they have

·        Generally speaking this probably parallels age

o   Infants have no responsibilities and no freedom

o   As a child grows he or she is given more responsibilities and afforded more freedoms

·        An individual family member experiencing some sort of crisis may temporarily be relieved of some responsibilities and simultaneously lose some freedom

Structure is at the other end of the healthy range on the authority axis

·        This does not mean that structure is at odds with freedom

·        It is the responsible behavior of family members which maintains the family structure

·        Responsible behavior implies freedom because only free individuals can be held responsible for their behavior

·        Structure provides guidelines, expectations and consistency all essential elements for healthy functioning

On the horizontal intimacy axis healthy functioning ranges between intimacy and independence

We will examine what intimacy means in terms of family functioning first

·        Intimacy involves being vulnerable

·        It also involves trust

·        When family members trust each other enough to be vulnerable they have established intimacy

·        There are boundaries which prevent intimacy from turning into enmeshment

o   Family intimacy does not involve sexual or romantic vulnerability towards another family member

o   Family intimacy does not involve role violations, children do not become parents and parents do not become children

·        Family members must not be engaged in any destructive form of competition with each other for intimacy to be possible

·        The family must be experienced as a “safe place” in order to have intimacy

Independence is the other healthy parameter on the intimacy axis

·        Independence requires self-confidence

·        Knowing that others (especially family) love and care for you fosters independence through reassurance

·        There are limits which prevent independence from turning into disengagement

o   Independence does not eliminate care and concern for others

o   Independence does not mean neglecting others inclusive emotional neglect

·        Independence stems from a healthy intimacy which encourages individuality

Healthy families remain within the boundaries of freedom, intimacy, structure and independence. Healthy families provide intimacy and structure to young children or to any family member in crisis. Healthy families give freedom and independence to young adult members who are establishing their lives. In healthy families the family members maintain independence but do not neglect family structure. They enjoy freedom but confide in their family.

Maintaining healthy boundaries is a deliberate choice. It involves conscious acts. The head(s) of house play a huge role in modeling these choices and actions but every family member has an individual responsibility for his or her part.

Family Map (Part 2) next the solution

Notice how these two measures (authority and intimacy) interact

Families can be extreme (going off the map) in any direction on either axes

For instance a family could be chaotic and enmeshed

·         Families like this resemble a soap opera

·         Their lives are chaotic and intertwined

·         Nobody is really in charge

·         There are no guidelines about behavior

·         Privacy is not recognized

In the opposite extreme a family might be rigid and disengaged

·         Families like this resemble a military regime

·         Their lives are about duty

·         Nobody cares how you feel in this type of family

·         The person in charge rules the household like a tyrant

·         Just do what you are supposed to and mind your own business

A family could be rigid and enmeshed

·         Families like this resemble a mafia family

·         Obedience and loyalty are all that matter in the family

·         Blind allegiance to the family is the supreme value

·         The head of the house must not be questioned

·         Personal moral values are irrelevant where the family is concerned

The opposite extreme is families who are chaotic and disengaged

·         These families seem like a random collection of strangers

·         They operate without guidelines nor concern for each other

·         They lead separate disconnected lives

·         There may be a chief money earner but that money belongs to him or her

·         Each individual fends for his or her self, expecting nothing from others

None of these extremes is better or worse than another

Families may go from one extreme to another

·         This might happen over a period of time

·         On the other hand it might happen rapidly swinging from one extreme to another over the course of a week a day or even throughout the day

A family might vary between extremes depending on which parent happens to be in charge at any given time

·         One parent may be chaotic while the other is rigid

·         “Just wait till your father gets home!”

·         The above threat comes from a parent without a sense of authority warning her children that she will tell on them to their authoritarian father

These extremes may vary between the offspring in a family

·         The oldest child might grow up in a rigid and enmeshed family

·         While the second child experiences it as chaotic and disengaged

These extremes have long-term consequences

·         Persons growing up in rigid households may view authority figures as cruel and unreasonable

o   They likely confuse punishment with discipline

o   Similarly they confuse respect with fear

o   They are likely to kowtow to superiors and mistreat subordinates

o   They view relationships as revolving around power

o   They may seek to dominate or perhaps to be dominated

·         Persons growing up in chaotic households are likely to see authority figures as obstacles to be avoided

o   They likely see rules as arbitrary and annoying

o   They confuse respect with groveling and therefore lack respect

o   They ignore or challenge their superiors and are unable to guide subordinates

o   They view relationships as sharing crises

o   They do not know how to resolve nor tolerate differences

·         Persons growing up in enmeshed households may fear intimate relationships

o   They fear that others will smother them if they let them get “too close”

o   On the other hand they may show love by smothering others

o   They may believe that becoming intimate involves surrendering any right to privacy

o   They may fear losing privacy and simultaneously demand that others surrender theirs

o   They are terrified of becoming vulnerable yet insist on it from others

·         Persons growing up in disengaged households also fear intimate relationships

o   The whole idea of becoming dependent on another seems fraught with danger to them

o   They are likely to be sure that nobody would ever really care about them

o   They may view intimacy as a fairly random sexually based interaction between relative strangers or perhaps friends

o   They are certain that if they were to become vulnerable to another they would be abandoned almost immediately

o   When others confide in them they feel uncomfortable, incompetent and maybe even put upon they feel like running when others do this “to them”

Clearly going “off the map” is a poor way for families to cope with whatever challenges they face

The Family Map (Part 1)

Above is a map of family functionality[i]

The map has two axes

The vertical axis measures authority

The horizontal axis measures closeness

The inner circle defines the boundaries of healthy functioning

The outer circle defines the unhealthy boundaries of severe malfunction

At each corner of the map is a brief description of families with particular combinations of unhealthy features

The vertical authority axis is a means of measuring the authority component of a family’s structure

First let’s look at Chaos

·        Chaos is at the top of this map

o   this positioning is arbitrary

o   it could have just as well been at the bottom

o   Chaos just needs to be at the map’s extreme edge where dysfunction belongs

·        Chaos is a total lack of structure and a total lack of authority

·         Chaos happens when family members and in particular the head(s) of the household lose authority, when they experience complete loss of control

o   For instance a drunken father might lose his authority while he is intoxicated

·        Chaos also results from a complete lack of structure

o   A household where bills may or may not be paid, where chores go undone, without mealtimes, where schedules are absent or ignored

Next let’s look at Rigid

·        Rigid is the opposite of Chaos so it’s at the bottom of the map

·        Although it’s opposite of Chaos it’s no better

o   It is just as bad but in the opposite way

·        Rigid is a total lack of any flexibility and any negotiability with authority

·        Rigid happens when family members particularly the head(s) of the household are unyielding, unforgiving, unapproachable and inhumane

o   Many instances of child abuse are the result of inhumane disciplinary practices

·        Rigid happens when rules proliferate beyond reason, when rules are often unwritten and contradictory

o   In other words when no matter what you do you are probably violating some sort of rule and likely to “catch hell” for breaking a rule

·        Rigid households are emotionally paralyzing they are paralyzed with structure

o   You may feel like you need permission just to breathe in these families

Now we shift from vertical to horizontal

The horizontal intimacy axis is a means of measuring the interpersonal relationships in a family’s structure

First let’s look at Enmeshed

·        The placement of Enmeshed to the right and Disengaged to the left is arbitrary

·        Enmeshed means a lack of appropriate interpersonal boundaries

o   An extreme example of enmeshment would be incest

o   Enmeshment can be present without going to this extreme

·        Every family member has an appropriate role to play in the family

o   There are parental roles for the parents to play

o   There are various roles for children which may vary according to age and ability (babies play baby roles, teenagers play teenage roles)

·        When roles become unclear and confused this is enmeshment

o   For instance a mother and a daughter sharing a double date violates important boundaries between parent and child

·        So called role reversal where an adult child cares for his or her parent is not generally a violation of boundaries

o   Caring for a person can be a way of honoring them

o   If there is a history of boundary violations such care may be problematic

·        Enmeshed families tend to have many secrets

·        Enmeshed families may feel like a trap or prison

·        Enmeshed families may lack any personal privacy

Now let’s look at Disengaged

·        Disengaged is the opposite of Enmeshed but it is no better

·        Disengaged means lack of connection

o   An extreme example would be abandonment of a newborn baby

o   Disengagement can occur without being this extreme

·        When family members particularly parents abandon their appropriate roles Disengagement is the result

o   For instance if a parent repeatedly fails to attend his (or her) child’s recital or game or other significant event the child may feel unloved by or disconnected from the parent (they feel abandoned)

·        Disengaged families lack traditions and rituals

·        In disengaged families the family members may completely ignore each other

·        Disengaged families do not show genuine care or concern for family members

·        As adults members may lose track of each other

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[i] This map is used with the permission of Patrick Carnes PhD. 

Family Survival Roles

The characters depicted above represent some of the roles often played by members of a family which is being negatively impacted by addiction

These roles are somewhat fluid
      ·        they can change over time

They are not based in gender

·        males or females can play any role

They may be impacted by culture

·        the behaviors may be more overt in some cultures more covert in others

These roles are not performed consciously

·        family members do not realize they are playing a role they think they are being natural

A person can play multiple roles

·        for instance the “scapegoat” might sometimes play the role of “mascot” the “hero” today could become the “scapegoat” tomorrow

Birth order may impact which role a child plays

·        first born children often play the “hero” role

·        second born children are more likely to be cast as a “scapegoat”

·        the youngest frequently perform the role of “mascot”

·        middle children are more likely to fill in as a “lost child” than older or younger siblings

Family members cast in these roles believe they have to play them (actually they believe they are the role which they are playing)

·        the “hero” believes he (or she) must surpass others at everything he does

·        the “scapegoat” believes she (or he ) will never be treated fairly nor appreciated

·        the “lost child” believes no one will ever notice her (or him)

·        the “mascot” believes he (or she) must either entertain others or seek their sympathy in order to get by

The biggest problem with these roles is that people play them throughout their lives

·        “Hero” children may grow up to marry addicts as adults they may continually try to rescue others

·        “Scapegoat’ children may grow up to become criminals or addicts themselves

·        “Lost child” children may grow up to lead unfulfilled mediocre lives and may suffer depression or retreat into drugs or alcohol

·        “Mascot” children may never truly grow up instead becoming infantile adults demanding the attention and care of others

Healthy individuals have the same traits but they are in balance

·        they can act heroically when heroic action is called for

·        they can risk retribution (being scapegoated) when it is right to confront malignant authority

·        they have humility and need not always be the star of the show

·        they do not hide their feelings but are not overly sensitive they can be playful and spontaneous