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The Swamp Group
Thursday, August 27, 2015
Wednesday, August 26, 2015
Resentment
The book Alcoholics Anonymous describes resentment as
“the number one offender” when it comes to issues which can lead to relapse.
Addicts and alcoholics who have experienced relapse, commonly report that the
thought running through their minds immediately prior to picking up a drink or
a drug was “fuck it!” (An expression of despair) This despairing attitude seems
to be the result of a more or less general resentment at the world.
How does this general resentment come about and how can it
be prevented?
Recognizing how generalized resentment comes about can help
in learning how to prevent it. So it makes sense to start there. You can
compare resentment to a forest fire. After all we often describe anger as being
“burned up.” Giant conflagrations can begin with a single spark. There may be
many sparks before one takes hold and turns into a wildfire.
When a person gets angry a spark is fired! Now let’s be
honest and admit that anger probably inevitable. Sooner or later we’re going to
get pissed off about something. What we do once we are angry determines our
fate.
Justification is the way by which anger is turned into
resentment. It is like blowing air onto a glowing ember until it jumps into a
flame and eventually burns out of control.
Justification is defending anger. It is telling yourself or
others, “I have a right to be angry!” Justification is self-righteously fueling
a grudge. It is a form of emotional self-immolation IE: burning yourself up.
Addicts and alcoholics may be no more prone to this than others are.
Probably almost all domestic violence, most assaults and
very many murders are the product of resentment. Even on a less drastic scale
resentment is probably the cause of much misery from rude behavior to road
rage.
For people in recovery from addiction and alcoholism
resentment is suicidal.
Stop defending your anger. Sure you have a right to be
angry. Everybody does. We could all be angry all the time. What would be the sense of that?
Wednesday, August 19, 2015
The Family Map Part 3 (The Solution)
Notice that there is not central bullseye type spot for
healthy functioning
Healthy functioning encompasses a range on both axes
On the vertical authority axis healthy functioning ranges
between freedom and structure
First we will describe freedom in terms of family
functioning
·
In healthy families freedom comes with
responsibility
·
The more responsible a family member is the more
freedom they have
·
Generally speaking this probably parallels age
o
Infants have no responsibilities and no freedom
o
As a child grows he or she is given more
responsibilities and afforded more freedoms
·
An individual family member experiencing some
sort of crisis may temporarily be relieved of some responsibilities and simultaneously
lose some freedom
Structure is at the other end of the healthy range on the
authority axis
·
This does not mean that structure is at odds
with freedom
·
It is the responsible behavior of family members
which maintains the family structure
·
Responsible behavior implies freedom because
only free individuals can be held responsible for their behavior
·
Structure provides guidelines, expectations and
consistency all essential elements for healthy functioning
On the horizontal intimacy axis healthy functioning ranges
between intimacy and independence
We will examine what intimacy means in terms of family
functioning first
·
Intimacy involves being vulnerable
·
It also involves trust
·
When family members trust each other enough to
be vulnerable they have established intimacy
·
There are boundaries which prevent intimacy from
turning into enmeshment
o
Family intimacy does not involve sexual or
romantic vulnerability towards another family member
o
Family intimacy does not involve role
violations, children do not become parents and parents do not become children
·
Family members must not be engaged in any
destructive form of competition with each other for intimacy to be possible
·
The family must be experienced as a “safe place”
in order to have intimacy
Independence is the other healthy parameter on the intimacy
axis
·
Independence requires self-confidence
·
Knowing that others (especially family) love and
care for you fosters independence through reassurance
·
There are limits which prevent independence from
turning into disengagement
o
Independence does not eliminate care and concern
for others
o
Independence does not mean neglecting others
inclusive emotional neglect
·
Independence stems from a healthy intimacy which
encourages individuality
Healthy families remain within the
boundaries of freedom, intimacy,
structure and independence.
Healthy families provide intimacy and structure to young children or to any
family member in crisis. Healthy families give freedom and independence to
young adult members who are establishing their lives. In healthy families the
family members maintain independence but do not neglect family structure. They
enjoy freedom but confide in their family.
Maintaining healthy boundaries is
a deliberate choice. It involves conscious acts. The head(s) of house play a
huge role in modeling these choices and actions but every family member has an
individual responsibility for his or her part.
Tuesday, August 11, 2015
Family Map (Part 2) next the solution
Families can be extreme (going off the map) in any direction
on either axes
For instance a family could be chaotic and enmeshed
·
Families like this resemble a soap opera
·
Their lives are chaotic and intertwined
·
Nobody is really in charge
·
There are no guidelines about behavior
·
Privacy is not recognized
In the opposite extreme a family might be rigid and disengaged
·
Families like this resemble a military regime
·
Their lives are about duty
·
Nobody cares how you feel in this type of family
·
The person in charge rules the household like a
tyrant
·
Just do what you are supposed to and mind your
own business
A family could be rigid and enmeshed
·
Families like this resemble a mafia family
·
Obedience and loyalty are all that matter in the
family
·
Blind allegiance to the family is the supreme
value
·
The head of the house must not be questioned
·
Personal moral values are irrelevant where the
family is concerned
The opposite extreme is families who are chaotic and
disengaged
·
These families seem like a random collection of
strangers
·
They operate without guidelines nor concern for
each other
·
They lead separate disconnected lives
·
There may be a chief money earner but that money
belongs to him or her
·
Each individual fends for his or her self,
expecting nothing from others
None of these extremes is better or worse than another
Families may go from one extreme to another
·
This might happen over a period of time
·
On the other hand it might happen rapidly
swinging from one extreme to another over the course of a week a day or even
throughout the day
A family might vary between extremes depending on which
parent happens to be in charge at any given time
·
One parent may be chaotic while the other is
rigid
·
“Just wait till your father gets home!”
·
The above threat comes from a parent without a
sense of authority warning her children that she will tell on them to their
authoritarian father
These extremes may vary between the offspring in a family
·
The oldest child might grow up in a rigid and
enmeshed family
·
While the second child experiences it as chaotic
and disengaged
These extremes have long-term consequences
·
Persons growing up in rigid households may view
authority figures as cruel and unreasonable
o
They likely confuse punishment with discipline
o
Similarly they confuse respect with fear
o
They are likely to kowtow to superiors and
mistreat subordinates
o
They view relationships as revolving around
power
o
They may seek to dominate or perhaps to be
dominated
·
Persons growing up in chaotic households are
likely to see authority figures as obstacles to be avoided
o
They likely see rules as arbitrary and annoying
o
They confuse respect with groveling and
therefore lack respect
o
They ignore or challenge their superiors and are
unable to guide subordinates
o
They view relationships as sharing crises
o
They do not know how to resolve nor tolerate
differences
·
Persons growing up in enmeshed households may fear
intimate relationships
o
They fear that others will smother them if they
let them get “too close”
o
On the other hand they may show love by
smothering others
o
They may believe that becoming intimate involves
surrendering any right to privacy
o
They may fear losing privacy and simultaneously
demand that others surrender theirs
o
They are terrified of becoming vulnerable yet
insist on it from others
·
Persons growing up in disengaged households also
fear intimate relationships
o
The whole idea of becoming dependent on another
seems fraught with danger to them
o
They are likely to be sure that nobody would
ever really care about them
o
They may view intimacy as a fairly random
sexually based interaction between relative strangers or perhaps friends
o
They are certain that if they were to become
vulnerable to another they would be abandoned almost immediately
o
When others confide in them they feel
uncomfortable, incompetent and maybe even put upon they feel like running when
others do this “to them”
Clearly going “off the map” is a poor way for families to
cope with whatever challenges they face
Thursday, August 6, 2015
The Family Map (Part 1)
The map has two axes
The vertical axis measures
authority
The horizontal axis measures
closeness
The inner circle defines the
boundaries of healthy functioning
The outer circle defines the
unhealthy boundaries of severe malfunction
At each corner of the map is a
brief description of families with particular combinations of unhealthy
features
The vertical authority axis is a means of measuring the
authority component of a family’s structure
First let’s look at Chaos
·
Chaos is at the top of this map
o
this positioning is arbitrary
o
it could have just as well been at the bottom
o
Chaos just needs to be at the map’s extreme edge
where dysfunction belongs
·
Chaos is a total lack of structure and a total
lack of authority
·
Chaos happens when family members and in particular
the head(s) of the household lose authority, when they experience complete loss
of control
o
For instance a drunken father might lose his
authority while he is intoxicated
·
Chaos also results from a complete lack of
structure
o
A household where bills may or may not be paid,
where chores go undone, without mealtimes, where schedules are absent or
ignored
Next let’s look at Rigid
·
Rigid is the opposite of Chaos so it’s at the
bottom of the map
·
Although it’s opposite of Chaos it’s no better
o
It is just as bad but in the opposite way
·
Rigid is a total lack of any flexibility and any
negotiability with authority
·
Rigid happens when family members particularly
the head(s) of the household are unyielding, unforgiving, unapproachable and
inhumane
o
Many instances of child abuse are the result of
inhumane disciplinary practices
·
Rigid happens when rules proliferate beyond
reason, when rules are often unwritten and contradictory
o
In other words when no matter what you do you
are probably violating some sort of rule and likely to “catch hell” for
breaking a rule
·
Rigid households are emotionally paralyzing they
are paralyzed with structure
o
You may feel like you need permission just to
breathe in these families
Now we shift from vertical to horizontal
The horizontal intimacy axis is a means of measuring the
interpersonal relationships in a family’s structure
First let’s look at Enmeshed
·
The placement of Enmeshed to the right and
Disengaged to the left is arbitrary
·
Enmeshed means a lack of appropriate
interpersonal boundaries
o
An extreme example of enmeshment would be incest
o
Enmeshment can be present without going to this
extreme
·
Every family member has an appropriate role to
play in the family
o
There are parental roles for the parents to play
o
There are various roles for children which may
vary according to age and ability (babies play baby roles, teenagers play
teenage roles)
·
When roles become unclear and confused this is
enmeshment
o
For instance a mother and a daughter sharing a double
date violates important boundaries between parent and child
·
So called role reversal where an adult child
cares for his or her parent is not generally a violation of boundaries
o
Caring for a person can be a way of honoring
them
o
If there is a history of boundary violations
such care may be problematic
·
Enmeshed families tend to have many secrets
·
Enmeshed families may feel like a trap or prison
·
Enmeshed families may lack any personal privacy
Now let’s look at Disengaged
·
Disengaged is the opposite of Enmeshed but it is
no better
·
Disengaged means lack of connection
o
An extreme example would be abandonment of a
newborn baby
o
Disengagement can occur without being this
extreme
·
When family members particularly parents abandon
their appropriate roles Disengagement is the result
o
For instance if a parent repeatedly fails to
attend his (or her) child’s recital or game or other significant event the
child may feel unloved by or disconnected from the parent (they feel abandoned)
·
Disengaged families lack traditions and rituals
·
In disengaged families the family members may
completely ignore each other
·
Disengaged families do not show genuine care or
concern for family members
·
As adults members may lose track of each other
Monday, August 3, 2015
Family Survival Roles
The characters depicted above represent some of the roles often played by members of a family which is being negatively impacted by addiction
These roles are somewhat fluid
· they can change over time
· they can change over time
They are not based in gender
·
males or females can play any role
They may be impacted by culture
·
the behaviors may be more overt in some
cultures more covert in others
These roles are not
performed consciously
·
family members do not realize they are playing a role they think they are being
natural
A person can play multiple
roles
·
for instance the “scapegoat” might sometimes
play the role of “mascot” the “hero” today could become the “scapegoat”
tomorrow
Birth order may impact which
role a child plays
·
first born children often play the “hero”
role
·
second born children are more likely to be
cast as a “scapegoat”
·
the youngest frequently perform the role of
“mascot”
·
middle children are more likely to fill in as
a “lost child” than older or younger siblings
Family members cast in these
roles believe they have to play them (actually they believe they are the
role which they are playing)
·
the “hero” believes he (or she) must surpass
others at everything he does
·
the “scapegoat” believes she (or he ) will
never be treated fairly nor appreciated
·
the “lost child” believes no one will ever
notice her (or him)
·
the “mascot” believes he (or she) must either
entertain others or seek their sympathy in order to get by
The biggest problem with
these roles is that people play them throughout their lives
·
“Hero” children may grow up to marry addicts
as adults they may continually try to rescue
others
·
“Scapegoat’ children may grow up to become
criminals or addicts themselves
·
“Lost child” children may grow up to lead
unfulfilled mediocre lives and may suffer depression or retreat into drugs or
alcohol
·
“Mascot” children may never truly grow up
instead becoming infantile adults demanding the attention and care of others
Healthy individuals have the
same traits but they are in balance
·
they can act heroically when heroic action is
called for
·
they can risk retribution (being scapegoated)
when it is right to confront malignant authority
·
they have humility and need not always be the
star of the show
·
they do not hide their feelings but are not
overly sensitive they can be playful and spontaneous
Saturday, April 13, 2013
Generativity - The Summit Of The Recovery Pyramid
We have reached the peak of the Recovery Pyramid! This level of the Hierarchy of Recovery is called Generativity. This term was coined by the Psychologist Erik Erikson, to identify the final goal in life. Maslow said the ultimate goal is Self Actualization, Erikson said it is Generativity. Erikson identified choices at every stage of life, the final choice being between Stagnation and Generativity. In old age we can either stagnate or give back. Giving back a lifetime of knowledge and wisdom to younger generations is Generativity. I chose this term for the peak of the Recovery Pyramid because giving back is the ultimate expression of recovery. Giving back is how we actualize our recovery.
Maslow posited the percentage of people who achieve Self Actualization as being below 1% of the overall population. The percentage of recovering people who reach Generativity is much higher than that. For people working a 12 step program this is the stage of recovery in which they work their 12th step. Carrying the message of recovery and living a principled life turns out to be the secret to happiness.
As the addict or alcoholic descends the Lowarchy of Highs he becomes more and more dependent on fewer and fewer people. Eventually there are only one or two people left to depend on (Mom and Dad?) and the addict has a parasitic relationship with them. This devolution to parasitism is not only ended it is reversed in recovery. At the top of the Recovery Pyramid the former parasite is transformed into a nurturer. She now has something to give and she comes to realize that giving is the most rewarding thing she can do.
Just as in Maslows Pyramid, in the Recovery Pyramid every level must be in place in order to reach the apex. Achieving Generativity depends on maintaining Abstinence, Support, Belonging and Accomplishment.
How long does it take to reach Generativity? In some ways it begins almost immediately. This is because people in an organized recovery program, such as NA or AA, are all their to help each other. Newcomers are just as necessary as old timers. The process begins right away but it deepens and becomes more intuitive as recovery progresses.
I hope everyone reading this gets to experience Generativity. When you do, you will know how important we are to each other.
Russell P. Mai, LCDC, AAC
Maslow posited the percentage of people who achieve Self Actualization as being below 1% of the overall population. The percentage of recovering people who reach Generativity is much higher than that. For people working a 12 step program this is the stage of recovery in which they work their 12th step. Carrying the message of recovery and living a principled life turns out to be the secret to happiness.
As the addict or alcoholic descends the Lowarchy of Highs he becomes more and more dependent on fewer and fewer people. Eventually there are only one or two people left to depend on (Mom and Dad?) and the addict has a parasitic relationship with them. This devolution to parasitism is not only ended it is reversed in recovery. At the top of the Recovery Pyramid the former parasite is transformed into a nurturer. She now has something to give and she comes to realize that giving is the most rewarding thing she can do.
Just as in Maslows Pyramid, in the Recovery Pyramid every level must be in place in order to reach the apex. Achieving Generativity depends on maintaining Abstinence, Support, Belonging and Accomplishment.
How long does it take to reach Generativity? In some ways it begins almost immediately. This is because people in an organized recovery program, such as NA or AA, are all their to help each other. Newcomers are just as necessary as old timers. The process begins right away but it deepens and becomes more intuitive as recovery progresses.
I hope everyone reading this gets to experience Generativity. When you do, you will know how important we are to each other.
Russell P. Mai, LCDC, AAC
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