Belonging - Where Thriving In Recovery Begins

Previously I described the first two levels of the Recovery Pyramid, Abstinence and Support, these two levels constitute survival level recovery. Survival level recovery is bleak at best. It is doubtful that any but the most stoic individuals would find it tolerable for long.

The next stage in the Hierarchy of Recovery is Belonging (in the language of AA "Fellowship"). Failure to achieve a sense or feeling of Belonging in recovery is a prime reason people relapse, especially within the first year or two of recovery. Belonging is essential to most people. Without a sense of belonging the addict feels isolated. He is like a fish out of water. She no longer fits in with her old drinking buddies but also feels like an alien in her AA group.

Belonging requires trust. We do not get a warm fuzzy feeling from hanging out with people we mistrust. Superficial friendships feel contrived and hollow. Nobody really enjoys making small talk. With real friends silence is often quite comfortable. The only way this happens is through trust and trust requires vulnerability. Trusting a person means feeling safe being vulnerable to that person. This means taking a risk. To trust you I must risk becoming vulnerable with you. People unwilling to risk vulnerability to the appropriate people will never thrive in their recovery.

The addict who does not have a sense of Belonging in his NA group will probably start hanging out with his old running buddies. The alcoholic who feels alienated from AA members will go back to her favorite bar. The addict hanging out with her old friends will feel isolated from them. The alcoholic sipping Diet Coke at the bar will be bored and lonely. The only cure for this sense of isolation will be getting drunk, or getting high (maybe both), going for the Acceptance High. Soon they are back at the bottom of the Lowarchy of Highs.

The only real solution is to get vulnerable with the appropriate people. Most people in early recovery would like this to mean a husband, wife, boyfriend or girlfriend. This understandable desire is invariably misguided! Our enablers cannot offer real Support, neither are they prepared to shoulder the toxic burden resulting from an addict or alcoholic dumping their shame and guilt into their codependent lap for safekeeping. The appropriate people are others in recovery. They must not however be sex partners, this sort of putrid intimacy results in mutual hostage holding.

The addict/alcoholic freed of his secrets breathes free for the first time. The facade of false pride once toppled lets out the septic secrets whose stench has poisoned her every breath. We move from survival level recovery to thriving in recovery.

It is no surprise that many recovering people report finding a sense of Belonging after completing a fifth step. After sharing the "exact nature of all these wrongs" with "another human being" they experince profound trust. With profound trust comes a profound sense of Belonging. It is a big, big risk but it is totally worth it!

Walking into any AA group or any NA group anywhere in the world and knowing you belong (not some abstract knowing but realizing to your innermost self that you fit like a glove) is something everyone in recovery has available to them. All it requires is the courage to trust the friends you are yet to meet! Recovery is not for faint hearts.

Next time, Achievement (I can hardly wait).








Russell P. Mai, LCDC, AAC

Support - Stage Two On The Recovery Pyramid

Support is the second stage of recovery. The truth of course is, Support is so necessary for sustaining Abstinence that, these two stages of recovery are practically simultaneous. Support on the Recovery Pyramid corresponds to the Safety and Shelter Needs on Maslows Pyramid. In recovery these needs are called Support. Long-term Abstinence without Support is extremely unlikely, in fact it is virtually impossible to remain substance free without some support system. Support systems vary widely in intensity and frequency. Early Abstinence is a time for more Support.

Support needs can vary a great deal. Some people may need an initial Support system which includes around the clock medical observation. This is rare but, using a residential substance treatment program as an initial Support system is pretty common these days. The rule is it is far better to have too much Support as opposed to not enough. Not having enough Support after all can be fatal! Halfway houses are Support. These examples are temporary Support. No one is going spend the rest of her life under medical observation. No one is going to live out his days in a residential treatment center. The same goes for living in a halfway house, nobody does that forever! Long-term Support is essential but such intense Support systems as the preceding are not practical lifelong answers to this need.

Guys like me (Counselors or Therapists) typically recommend AA and NA as Support. We do this for a number of pretty good reasons. For one thing AA and NA are ubiquitous, if you need a meeting most likely you can find one. Major cities have thousands of meetings each week, small cities have dozens, and even small towns will support one or meetings on a regular basis. Another reason we recommend AA and NA is these are Support systems that know how to actually be supportive. It would be great if family members and our old running buddies could be a Support system. They cannot. The reason they cannot is they do not know how to be supportive, they are great at enabling but no good at all as a Support system. The final reason for using AA and NA as Support is they are probably going to be essential to meeting the needs on the upper levels of the Hierarchy of Recovery. Therefore it makes sense to use them as Support, after all you are going to wind up using them anyway.

Recall that the first two levels on Maslows Pyramid encompassed the survival needs. The first two levels on the Recovery Pyramid encompass the needs which must be met in order for recovery to survive. Most people do not want to live at the level of mere survival, they want more. Just surviving kind of sucks! It is the same with recovery. Survival level recovery kind of sucks too! Don't settle for it. Your recovery deserves to be on a loftier level. We'll look at the first of these higher level recovery needs next time.








Russell P. Mai, LCDC, AAC

Abstinence - The First Stage Of Recovery

The first stage of recovery is Abstinence. People often confuse Abstinence with recovery. Actually Abstinence is only the first stage of recovery. Abstinence is the foundation upon which recovery is built. Abstinence is not easy. People in recovery have all the same needs as everyone else, all the needs on Maslows Hierarchy of Needs. In addition to those needs people in recovery have recovery needs which are peculiar to them and not to ordinary people (here ordinary means people unaffected by addiction).

At the bottom of Maslows Pyramid are the Physical Needs (food, water, oxygen). The Physical Need at the bottom of the Recovery Pyramid is Abstinence. If a person is starving he needs food, if he is dieing of thirst he needs water. The answer to meeting his needs per Maslows Hierarchy is to fulfill them. But what if the person is an alcoholic and his thirst is for another drink of liquor? What if he's an addict and hungers for his next fix? What then? This is where the Hierarchy of Recovery starkly contrasts with Maslows Hierarchy of Needs. The Hierarchy of Recovery instead instructs the alcoholic to ignore her thirst to let it go unquenched. It tells the addict to starve herself of drugs. This is a tall order to meet!

Abstinence is so difficult that recovery programs such as Alcoholics Anonymous and Narcotics Anonymous encourage their members to take it "one day at a time." Sometimes they encourage newcomers to abstain for just an hour even five minutes at a time! Whatever it takes to lay a foundation for recovery is what must be done. Abstinence alone is not likely to be sustainable. Next time we will look at Support the next level of the Recovery Pyramid.





Russell P. Mai, LCDC, AAC