The next level on the progression downward in the Lowarchy of Highs (Figure 2. above) is the Acceptance Highs. These highs displace the Belonging Needs on Maslow's Pyramid. They are called the Acceptance Highs because the person using for an Acceptance High feels more acceptable to others when they are high or talking about getting high than when they are not. Their actual ability to maintain healthy relationships with others actually goes away during this stage of the addiction process. Some examples may help in making the point.
At one time in my career I frequently dealt with people who were walk-in clients of a large private nonprofit agency. I described one of those sessions previously in the post on Arrogant Highs. Well that was not the only mother and son duo I have dealt with. Some years later a mom and her 15-year-old son had a session with me. The son had been using marijuana regularly since he was age 11. His mother confessed she had actually introduced her son this drug but, she had quit using about one year previous to our session. She felt guilty for leading her son into marijuana use and, she hoped that because he had followed her bad example, he might just follow her good one and quit too. He did not.
They told me that when the boy was 11 years old and first started smoking weed, he was a straight "A" student, a pitcher on his little league team and a member of the school band. When I met them he was age 15, smoked weed daily, was a "C" student, played no sports (in fact he skipped P.E. most days and smoked weed with his friends), and was not engaged in any extracurricular activities. His mother left the session so the boy and I could talk in private.
I asked the boy, "Do you think marijuana could be holding you back?" He responded, "I am sure that it is." (This response surprised me!) I next queried, "Why don't you stop" (using marijuana). He said, "Because I feel like I would be a nerd." "Oh," I said, "you feel like your friends would put you down if you quit?" He replied, "No I think my friends would be proud of me if I quit." (I was confused!) Again I asked, "So why don't you quit?" And again he replied, "Because I feel like I would be nerd." (I paused and pondered his words.) Then I said, "Oh I get it! You feel like you would be a nerd, if you quit smoking weed!" He said, "Yeah I feel like I would be a nerd." I asked him if he thought he was addicted to smoking marijuana and he responded, "I don't know, maybe."
Around that same time I was also an instructor of the Texas DWI Intervention Course (repeat offenders program). One of my students was a gentleman in his 70's. This fellow had collected a bunch of DWI's from various states including one in Texas. Once Texas discovered all his previous DWI convictions the state ordered him into the repeat offender program. This course is cleverly designed to gradually convince students they have a serious alcohol problem (they all met criteria of alcohol dependence). Right on schedule this elderly gentleman confided to me, "I think I might have a drinking problem." (He did have one.) I replied, "What do you want to do about it?" He explained that every day he played cards with some buddies of his, that as they played they drank beer. He then asked me, "What are they going to think of me if I won't have a beer with them?" I remembered what the 15-year-old had said a couple of days before and said, "Maybe your friends will be glad for you, maybe they'll be proud of you for not drinking!" The old man replied, "Yeah maybe but, it just wouldn't feel right if wasn't drinking with them."
During the Acceptance Highs stage of addiction the alcoholic's or drug addict's behavior actually becomes increasingly less acceptable to others. The alcoholic may make long rambling emotional phone calls in the middle of the night which she is unable to recall later (this tends to alienate people). The drug addict may be unreasonably jealous or completely untrustworthy (often both). Acquaintances drift away, but close friends and family offer constant reassurance of their loyalty. They don't want the addict to feel insecure. These wrong headed efforts ultimately fail.
The elderly man and the adolescent boy, described above, were using for an Acceptance High. The boy did not want to "feel like a nerd" (unacceptable) and the older man said that not drinking with his buddies "just wouldn't feel right" (unacceptable). Both were concerned they may have a substance disorder, the boy answered, "maybe" when asked if he was addicted and the old guy thought he "might have a drinking problem." I asked the older man and the teenage boy the same question, "What are you willing to do about it?" Even though these were separate conversations, they both gave the exact same answer, "I'll quit if it gets worse." We know what happens, it does get worse. More about this in the next post.
Russell P. Mai, LCDC, AAC
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